i think my mom watched the whole time
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
