More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
