he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
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