you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
