Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize
