I think scott just propositioned me for sex
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
