i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
