I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
