Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
