every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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