happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
