Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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