Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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