So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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