i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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