i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
