Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
