I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he fucked my hip out of place.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
