it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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