Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
