it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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