i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
