New invention idea: vibrating tampons
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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