I just made out with a guy for $7.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize