Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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