I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
