he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
