sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Randomize
