Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Randomize
