It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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