shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
