I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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