Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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