So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
