i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
