if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
