I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You are a genius and a whore.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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