so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
