omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
