after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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