Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
