umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
