i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
