just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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