I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
