At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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