she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
