bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
