my vag is so smooth its legendary
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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