Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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