i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
