I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
