I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
