my shit smells like andre
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
