I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
